Carded

Depending on your age and personality, you may find it annoying or delightful to have a waiter, bartender, or cashier ask for your ID when you buy a drink. As someone who was asked if he wanted the kids’ menu at restaurants until he was sixteen, I tend to bristle a little bit when I’m carded. I now realize how smart kids’ meals are in term of cost and portion size, though. (Thank you, Culver’s, for not imposing an age limit on your kids’ menu and providing a token for a scoop of free custard with it.) Maybe I’ll appreciate being asked for my ID for a drink more in the future.

There is another way of being carded that I’m always grateful to experience: getting a card or letter in the mail from friends and family. Words matter a lot to me, whether verbal or written: among the five love languages described by Gary Chapman, words of affirmation are how I feel most comfortable showing and receiving appreciation and affection. (If you’d like to find out how you give and receive love most often, you can take a quiz on the Chapman’s website.) When I want to let someone know I am grateful for them, love them, or support them in a difficult time, then, sending a card (often with a pun) seems natural to me. In the same vein, when another person takes the time to write me a letter or a card, especially when it’s out of the blue, it means a lot to me, because it signals to me that this person really cares about me.

The day before I flew to Wisconsin for a summer break after my first year of graduate studies at Boston College, three friends gifted me with a thank-you card (with a pun!). The day before that, I received another card from a staff member of the community where I lived during the academic year. These cards, and the words of care and appreciation spoken to me by other friends in days leading up to my flight, meant so much to me. When I write that people gifted me with these cards, I truly mean that these were gifts, presents of time, energy, and attention. These gifts confirmed that I have another home in Boston when I return there in August.

Before I leave any place for an extended period, I like to give notes to the people and communities I’m leaving to show them my thanks. This year, between finals and other responsibilities, I didn’t have the time to write as many notes as I wanted to, and of those I did give many were typed rather than hand-written.

Catholic guilt is a reality for me, so I felt and feel some pangs of guilt for not getting to these notes. At the same time, my “failure” has been an opportunity to recognize and accept my limits and also to better notice and appreciate how other people like to give and receive care. Many people show appreciation through a hug or a gift, and some people like to be shown appreciation with a small gift or time together. It’s great that I know how I best give and receive love and can ask for words of affirmation; it’s even better to be sensitive to how other people best give and receive love.

The Golden Rule given by Jesus in Matthew 7:12 and in many other religious traditions tells us to treat others as we would like to be treated. More than strictly acting toward others in the ways that we like, the ways that make us feel most comfortable or that we think are best, I believe that this rule is both more basic and more complex. It’s more basic in calling us to love each other, since love is what completes and fulfills us as people made in the image of the God who is love (1 John 4:8). It’s more complex in calling us to understand and approach each person in their particularity, that is, their background, their hopes, and their struggles and the way these and other factors influence how they think of, show, and receive love.

Each person is unique, so there are numerous ways of showing and giving love. Whenever we give love, though, we will be paying attention to and honoring someone as who they are. This isn’t a one-and-done task. It’s a calling we must hear and answer every day of our lives. It’s certainly one I hope to more consistently and joyfully heed this summer.

To all of you who have encouraged and cared for me in words written, spoken, and prayed; in hugs and high-fives; or in thoughtful gifts or actions, thank you. Your love, support, and gratitude mean a great deal to me, and I hope and pray that you are shown care and encouragement, too.

Now, back to enjoying some ice cream, something I thankfully never have and hopefully never will be carded for. God bless you, readers, and thank you. ~